So far, responses have been really good about my review of the subbed DBZ. However, I feel that in exchange for a subbed, I should do a dubbed. So here we go! And by the way, no, I am not the same “Jon” from EX’s site.

Alright, name of this episode is called “Ginyu Assault”. Not too flashy...certainly not as long winded as “At Last A Direct Confrontation! Captain Ginyu Takes The Field!”, but for some reason, the 2 sentence DBZ intro’s are really funny to me.

This episode starts off different from the others, because of the way the Japanese and English episodes line-up. So we start off with one of my favorite scenes in DBZ- Goku vs. Jeice vs. Burter in a 3-Way Match! And yes, that is a wrestling reference, not a porno reference. We don’t start doing those until the Trunks DVDs. Anyhow, I love this scene because Burter and Jeice try to attack Goku, but they can’t touch him. Plain awesome. Jeice decides to open his big mouth and ask Goku when he’ll decide to get off his ass and start fighting. Jeice then gets a huge punch to the nose. I laughed my ass off at this scene. Jeice and Burter then attack Goku, but Goku doesn’t feel like dicking around here, so he just slides into his best Jet-Li impersonation and beats the fuck out of both guys. But wait! Hark! What could it be?! Why yes, ladies and gentlemen, its time once again for... THE DBZ SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT~!

In case you’ve forgotten, here is the explanation. In DBZ, sometimes Akira didn’t think we got the point of something. Such as, proving how evil Frieza is by killing a few Namekian children. So, the fact that Frieza is evil, is pounded into our heads. A well known fact is that DBZ doesn’t do subtle. DBZ wouldn’t know subtle, if a man was running through downtown Japan with a flamethrower, wearing a “Mr. Subtle” shirt while screaming, “MY NAME IS MR. SUBTLE AND I’M NOT BEING VERY SUBLTE RIGHT NOW!” Hence, leading to THE DBZ SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT~! The characters “~!” are put in, to indicate sarcasm, much in the way that the huge sweat dot appears on anime characters. You’ll understand more as we move along.

Anyway, today’s sledgehammer of plot is how there is no way that Goku can be winning, because after all he is a Saiyan and only has a powerlevel of 5,000! After that, we get the gratuitous super long Japanese attack name, called “The Purple Spiral Flash Attack”. Of course, this is about as effective as wet toilet paper to Goku.

Now we come to, The Phrase. The phrase that had every damn person with a modem screaming “foul!”. I can only mean....The Phrase.

Burter- How did you get so fast?!
Goku- Maybe its my diet. I eat really wholesome foods!

People that actually had a modicum of brain matter called this the stupidest thing they ever heard. Of course, I’m not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer myself, so I like it. To me, this sounds like the most incredible piece of “smart ass attitude” that you can find. But let us not dwell on that. More fighting and the such... until we get to my other favorite scene in the movie. Well, not really a scene, more like a sound effect. Its when Goku decides he’s tired of fucking around with these two morons and basically knocks Burter into oblivion. The sound I’m talking about is when Goku flies after Jeice and sounds like a damn jet plane about to crash. Really cool.

Its at this point that I’d like to talk about the voices in the “new” DBZ. I couldn’t give a flying fuck about Krillin’s voice, because he is a worthless pile of shit to me. Vegeta’s new voice forced me into laughter on the simple premise that he sounds just like Ren from “The Ren & Stimpy Show”. You can find an even bigger example of that during the time that Trunks first appears, when Vegeta calls Bulma an “eediot!”. Speaking of Bulma, like, does she sound, like, one of the, you know, GAP girls? Sheee-yah, right! With an annoying voice like that, I do hereby give Vegeta a lot of damn credit, for being man enough to have sex with a woman with a body to die for and a voice that sounds like a seagull getting run over. Multiple times. Now, don’t get me wrong, I give all the credit to the people that do the voices for the show. This was their first time doing this and I’m sure there was a lot of accidents that happened. I can gladly say that Bulma’s voice and body got better over time. And if you think I’m a sad person because I oogle anime women, you’d be completely right. Goku’s voice sounds okay by me, like many other voices in the show. Except for Ox King. Before, he just looked like an idiot and now he has the voice to match. Anybody remember the old “Heathecliff” cartoon? Ox King sounds like Mungo from that show. Gohan’s voice still bothers me, because he sounds like a little bitch all the time. And THIS is the person that is supposed to be the strongest person in the universe? HA! Interesting story- I once heard a conspiracy theory that Gohan never became more powerful than Goku because when Gohan became the “Number One Guy” on the show, nobody liked him, so Goku was brought back. Something to think about on a hot summer night. Speaking of hot summer nights... Frieza sounds like someone with a throat problem. If you want to hear something funny, listen to Frieza’s laugh when he is killing Nail, in the Japanese version. “Ho, ho, ho!” I haven’t heard someone giggle with that much girlish glee since an All Girls Catholic School came by my mechanics shop. Did I just make that up? Yes I did. It shouldn’t really surprise you, since we have already established the fact that I am a sad person. Anyhow, back to the program!

We already know my thoughts on when Vegeta kills Burter and Jeice, but the sheer insanity of it goes up ten more notches, due to the fact that this is Ren, not Vegeta.

The rest of the show is not really worth mentioning, except for the ending. Goku starts asking Vegeta for help, so Vegeta goes from Evil Ren to... THE EVIL CAR SALESMAN FROM HELL~! His voice goes to such sleaziness in a matter of seconds that I was tempted to say, out loud, that I was merely “looking around”. Then Vegeta flies away screaming, “Have fun, Kakarot!” while doing the most insane laugh this side of Brian Drummond. In fact, I think they DID use Brian’s voice for that laugh. The show ends when Goku calls Vegeta “You dirty dog!” while Ginyu charges, screaming “You Sucker! Hahahaha!”

I have to say, that is a pretty interesting ending. I think it goes very well, Vegeta flying off with Ginyu calling Goku “A Sucker”. It plays on the theory of “Is Vegeta With Us or Against Us?” Did Ginyu call Goku a sucker because he knew Vegeta would fly off or because Vegeta and Ginyu had been working together? Interesting theories, to say the least. And thus ends this episode review.

I think I’ll close this all out with something I need to get off my chest. All the time, I hear people say “They are on another Earth/outer space, how would they know about that?!”, most noticeably in reference to Piccolo asking Nappa if he knew about the story of David & Goliath. I find it amusing that these people do not question the fact that everyone knows the same language (in space and on Earth). What are the chances that Saiyans, Nameks and Frieza’s gang all know English (or Japanese)? Granted, Namekians do have their own language, but they also know a language from a planet they have never heard of before? Or the fact that their names are puns on things that you find ON EARTH?! This is just another case of people nit-picking to try and find something wrong with the series. These are the same people that think that they see the word “SEX” on “The Lion King” or that the front cover image from “The Little Mermaid” has pictures of huge penises. However, I do love 2 of Disney’s Bloopers. One is that during Aladdin, Aladdin says a phrase, that when sped up, sounds like “A good teenagers take off their clothes”. The second, is during the Daffy and Donald piano scene, Donald says something that sounds like he is calling Daffy the “N-Word”. Interesting, to say the least.
Tune in next time, when I will present both episodes from “Captain Ginyu- Assault” for YOU, the loyal reader! Until then...

The Super Texa-Jin,Jonathan “Underfaker” Lindsey