Don't Believe The Hype

By Underfaker

First off, thanks to everyone who wrote me about my article concerning the DBZ Cult. Although I don’t think its my best work, everybody else seemed to like it. I just wish I had made it a little bit longer.

I decided to write this article because a website (PlanetNamek.com) made comments that got Ms. Meri thinking. Now, I know Ms. Meri is a big girl and can handle herself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t write editorials about it. Besides, what kind of boot-licking toady would I be if I didn’t?

The comment said that Season 4 wasn’t good. As many of you know, this is often referred to as the “Trunks Episodes”. So in response, I decided to rip-apart the thing that they hold most dear. The Subtitled DBZ. Hold your hats Cultists, because this will be a doozy.

Note- I’ll only be doing the first episode because its late at night and I’m really tired.

Alright, we begin things by watching the opening sequence, also known as, “Head Cha La”. Now, why is this song so awesome? Trick question. IT ISN’T! This is horseshit at its finest. “Rock the Dragon” was fucking GRAMMY MATERIAL compared to this shit. We get lyrics that I haven’t heard since my friends started tripping on acid. Have you listened to this crap?! “If in the melting ice I find a dinosaur, I'll teach him to ride a ball!” What the fuck is this?! THIS is music? C’mon, I could pick out a Beatles song that would sound so much better than this. This is Exhibit A in the prosecution of how television lowers your IQ.

Now, we go to the title card. “At Last, A Direct Confrontation! Captain Ginyu Takes The Field!”. Wow, thanks for taking two sentences to tell me that Captain Ginyu is about to fight, because obviously I’m a moron and you have to tell me nice and slow.

Now the show begins. Burter and Jeice are getting the shit kicked out of them by Goku. Nothing new to see here, move along. Of course, what episode would be complete without the DBZ SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT~!? Burter feels the need to tell us several times that Goku’s speed will run out eventually and cause him to screw up. Wow, this is fucking amazing.

Goku fucks up Burter some more and ends up knocking him out of the fight. Now here is where the Japanese version is wrong. Jeice starts bitching about how they will all die against this guy, blah blah blah. Any villian worth his salt would say, “This isn’t the end!” or “You’ve won this round!” or “He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day!”. Proof that the subbed sucks. Then Vegeta does the most AWESOME bad guy trick- Kills the people that the good guy saved. Beautiful.

So at exactly what point am I supposed to realize that the subbed is 50 million times better than the dubbed, causing religious conversion, an end to poverty, and multiple orgasms?

So Jeice goes and fetches Captain Ginyu, bringing him to the field. Blah, blah, blah...more talking. It all adds up to saying that Goku can raise his power level, Ginyu is one bad motherfucker and Jeice is a fucking moron. Wow, the hits just keep coming. Vegeta then does another AWESOME bad guy trick- Ditching the good guy! Incredible! The show ends with Ginyu charging Goku, while screaming, “Your guard is down!”

Well.

Ladies and gentlemen, don’t believe the hype. The subbed DBZ will not get you any higher, nor will it make your Marlboro’s taste any better.

So, DBZ Cult, anytime you feel like ripping apart the dubbed, there will always be someone here to rip apart everything you hold dear.

Don’t be afraid to say you are scared. There’s no shame in it.

The Super Texa-Jin,
Jonathan “Underfaker” Lindsey